DEAR CELIBACY READERS, I AM CELIBATE. There, I said it. It’s not a cool thing to do and it’s certainly not fun at times, but whoever I choose to be with will be worth the wait. Why am I celibate you may ask? How can I go without sex when it feels so pleasurable? How can I withhold myself when science and nature conspire against my will to discipline myself? The answer isn’t an easy one and the process sure hell isn’t, but here’s my response. No one tells you the truth about the regret that settles in the next morning. No one explains how used you feel after you’ve taken the walk of shame. They don’t tell you how you feel dirty and yet again, you are another person’s body count. Just another number to brag about to their friends. Besides “unexpected” pregnancies and STDs, people don’t tell the truth about the spiritual connections you make when experiencing intimacy. You find yourself innately and unconsciously becoming a part of someone’s soul without even realizing it. People assume that it’s only women who become emotionally attached after sex, and I’m not sure how true that it is. In my opinion, men and women are affected alike. Don’t believe me? Have you ever been attached or attracted to someone after you’ve had sex when you’ve barely known them? Have you ever desired to be around someone who treats you like crap but because the sex is good, you are willing to stick around? Or have you experienced an unknown pull towards someone after sex and could never explain why? It’s more than just physical, it’s a spiritual connection. Many may say that sex enables you to be in full control of your body. Your body has power. You have the power to make people feel things they would have never experienced before. We are naturally creators and are doing exactly what we are supposed to do. But, I like to view my body as something much greater than a toy. My jewels are not something to play with when you feel like it, only to placed back in the box when you’re occupied. I think that waiting for sex makes things special. It builds a child-like, wide-eyed mystery in a relationship. Celibacy opens up doors for new possibilities of intimacy. You can create romance and chemistry and spark and zest without sexual intercourse. Your mind isn’t clouded or judged by that person’s physique. You know how to function more clearly and think a bit more logically about your significant other when sex is not involved. To me waiting for sex is sexy. It’s handsome and admirable. It’s attractive and succulent in all of the right ways. It’s loving and intimate. Waiting to have sex is like drinking a nice, crisp aged glass of wine. The longer you wait to open it, the better it becomes to sip it. ~Anonymous Writer
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You're feeling stuck. Your life has come to standstill while every one else has taken the leap of faith into their destiny. There you are still waiting to inhale the crumbs of their blessings. You may be working a job with with the greatest people in the world, but there is so much purpose in you. Your heart feels this song calling you higher. Higher to a place of influence. You want to be in a place where work doesn't feel like work. You desire to be in-tuned with your destiny, so how do you get there?
Taking that first step means you've acknowledged that you ARE stuck. You've embraced that feeling of being suffocated and somehow you can't move. Now acknowledge that success is challenging you and calling you to leaps and bounds you can't take alone. A lot of us are busy living life in the safe zone because it's familiar. That job that you work has become your crutch. You don't like going to work, but the familiar tasks and smiling faces, and that complacency is comforting. But I dare you to dream bigger. What would happen if we throw ourselves off of the mountain of complacency into the unknown waters of opportunity? Blessings align when chance, grace, and favor marry opportunity. It can happen for you. There is always room for your gifts. Your business. Your design. Your dream. There is room for you at the table. The only way to start is to...START. Start researching the type of career or business you want to build; EDUCATE YOURSELF. Do the leg work. Know who your competition is and find a signature product that sets you and ONLY YOU apart from everyone else. SEE YOURSELF, SEE YOURSELF. Close your eyes and envision where you want to be in the next 6 months. Still complaining about money? In the same toxic relationship? In the same stagnant mindset? Of course not. Let that become your motivation to acquire more. KNOW YOUR WHY. No one can force you to do anything, that's why discipline and drive are extremely important. Master delayed gratification and watch your life transform from the inside out by making the smallest positive decisions. RENEW YOUR MINDSET. Rid the scarcity mentality. We are all good at something and were created for a purpose, FIND IT. I can't say it enough, but there is room for your gift. There are clients who need your services, money to be made, people who are directly depending on your purpose to prosper. Everyone can eat if you trust that it will work out for you. Let's get unstuck. Go for your dreams. Step out of your comfort zone and watch your dreams come into fruition. This is my prayer for you! #GetUnstuck2018 -Kristal Alston Preparing Your Children for Adulthood – Part 1 |
Having and raising children today is different than it was 25 years ago. We had to read books, get instruction, see demonstrations or talk to elders. Today, everything lies at the tip of your fingers, but it does not mean it is easier. I remember hearing the nurse confirm my pregnancy for the first time. I was afraid and immediately thought of what I did not know and how I would acquire the information. I felt blessed because my OB/GYN gave away books that detailed everything I could expect to happen in the next year. I read those books from cover to cover numerous times. The books were extremely helpful, but I needed information past 18 months of age. -Realize they are G I F T S from God- You do not appreciate something until you cannot achieve it. I was told at a young age that I would never have children. The doctor who gave me this grim diagnosis was cold and detached. I felt as if she was kind of glad that I would not be able to populate this planet. I was devastated! I just knew that someday I would be a mommy. When I walked out of the clinic that day, all I saw was babies, mothers, families and pregnant women. It was a constant reminder of something I would never have. I cried, how I cried! I went to my mother’s office and told her the news. She told me to pray about it, that God had the last word. God always used my mother to prophesy into our lives. Of course, she was right! I had four beautiful babies. Oh, how I miss her! When I did get pregnant and the diagnosis was confirmed I was extremely thankful and realized that they were gifts on loan. When I gave birth the first time, I equate the experience to giving birth to a large piece of my heart that then sprouted a mind, legs, arms and feet. You lose control over that piece of your heart and then realize that you have to trust God to protect it. -Raise your children with a V I L L A G E- Seek guidance and wisdom. Research and ask questions. God provided so many tools and supports. A village helped us raise our kids. They were there when it was time to celebrate and the village supported and comforted us when the world came crashing in. Be open to constructive and loving support. -Overprotective mother = teaches your children to be F E A R F U L- I assumed it was my job to protect my children from everything. Dangers seen and unseen. There is no way you can do that, but you can use precautionary measures. I would not let my daughter crawl on the floor because floors were dirty. I still flinch when I see babies crawling on the floor. I soon learned that if a baby is only allowed to crawl on limited surfaces, they do not learn how to crawl by trial and error. I learned instead of restricting the child’s ability to crawl, change the circumstances by putting a blanket on the floor. My children were very sensitive and loving babies. They hugged everyone they met. Especially my oldest son. He would waddle up to a child his size and hug them. That ended when the first child he hugged hit him instead of hugging him back. He cried as if someone broke his heart. That broke my heart. That was the beginning of understanding how little control I had in shaping my children’s personality. I had to focus on what I had control of. -Establishing Y O U R parenting style- You can think you know how you will establish boundaries with your babies before they are born. I’ve lived it and watched it over the years and it really doesn’t solidify until the moment arrives and your six-month-old baby reaches for the plug and you gently, but firmly say no and they look at the plug and back at you and reach for the plug again and you say no, while they touch it. At that moment you must determine how you will establish boundaries and rules while loving and protecting them. Suffice it to say, it was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. I took two fingers and tapped my daughter’s pudgy little hand and again firmly said no. I think she was more startled by my firm deep voice than how I lightly tapped her hand. She looked at me with wide eyes, pouted those cute little lips, her eyes filled with tears and she let out a slow cry. As hard as this was, I never had to worry about her playing with plugs or wall sockets. She understood no. We had similar moments before, but when I said no, she found something else to play with. I had to keep them safe no matter how uncomfortable or difficult. -D A D D Y was a Rock Star- I had to be a consistent disciplinarian because my ex-husband enjoyed his role. He was a loving father and that was the role he preferred. He was Mr. Fun. When he came home the children would squeal with delight, running from all corners of the house screaming his name and announcing daddy is home as if he was a rock star. There were dark times when he sometimes went overboard in how he disciplined the children. He did not understand child development. He did not understand that when children woke up it was nearly impossible for them to remain silent. I would always get up and try to keep them as quiet as possible. The looming threat that if they weren’t quiet they would get a spanking. I refused to let that happen as I had to endure that familiar insanity as a child and could not understand why my mother couldn’t protect us like I protected my own children. Yet, there were times when I could not save them. When I had to go away for work the children always wound up on punishment and had to stay in their rooms. I would later learn that there were times when he would go too far in his spankings. That’s what happens when you marry a man from an abusive background or someone with edge. I should be happy that was not a consistent event. Overall, he was more fun dad than dark dad. You have to be the first and last line of defense for your children. -Protect them from F A V O R I T I S M- I loved my mother and stepdad, but I was determined to raise my children a certain way and favoritism had no place in our lives. My mother and stepdad preferred the youngest two of my four children. It was as if the oldest two turned four or older and grew beards and somehow aged out of their cuteness. There were a few times when my parents invited the kids over but only the youngest two. I would ask why they did not want the other two and they would make up excuses. Finally, I had a very blunt and difficult discussion with my mother. It was hard realizing that she wanted the younger two but did not want to watch or spend time with the older two because you have to do more with older children. It was not just because they were not cute anymore. I had to be firm and told my mom if you cannot spend time with all of them, two at a time, you cannot get them at all. Teach them correct terms for body parts. Know where they are at all times. Far too many times, I see babies walking to school by themselves. Do what you can to make sure they have a safe route to school. Now that I look back, I still cannot believe some of the things we allowed our children to do out of necessity. | My sister and I used to spend weekends at my aunt’s and uncle’s home. At first it used to be an adventure and we would look forward to spending that time with my little cousin but as my aunt spent more time with my little sister while me and my cousin did chores, the novelty wore off. At first, I resented my sister, but as I grew older, I realized that it was not her fault. She did not get to make a choice. I resented my aunt, then I was puzzled. How do you choose a child that is not your blood to spend time with instead of your own child? The lesson I took from that was no one, and I meant no one would treat my children that way. If they did, they would not get to be in their presence. I never wanted them to know that rejection. I hated favoritism. -P R O T E C T your children from predators- Teach your babies about their bodies and the correct terms for body parts. Know where they are at all times. Far too many times, I see babies walking to school by themselves. Do what you can to make sure they have a safe route to school. Now that I look back, I still cannot believe some of the things we allowed our children to do out of necessity. The only sleepovers, if there were any, were held in our home until the kids were teenagers. I had to know who was in your house, who you were expecting and where you were taking my children. I was sexually abused from the age of four to six by my stepbrother. He abused my younger sister, as well. My parents had no clue because he was 16 and threatened to hurt us if we told. I did my best to protect my children, but I was not always in control of where they went and that is a story for another day. Just know that some people have to learn the hard way. -Prepare your children for S C H O O L - We can no longer make assumptions about what our children get in school. Schools are still trying to figure it out. Children must know how to read by kindergarten. They must be able to sit and learn, take direction, communicate, share and play with other children by the time they start elementary school. Schools do not have the means to teach your child from scratch. What does that mean? Schools resources were cut so drastically that if your child’s class has an Assistant Teacher, you are extremely fortunate. That still does not mean that they will be able to teach a child who has not been socialized and exposed to the basics. What may happen is your child might start with a deficit and continue to be behind unless you get them additional supports and tutoring. Sing to your children, expose them to a variety of genres of music from birth. It helps with their neurological development. Read to them. Explore and teach them about nature. Watch documentaries with them. Share your family’s history. Tell them the stories shared by elders or have them talk to the elders in your family. Talk to them about what they learned at school and have them teach you. My oldest daughter has dyslexia. I recognized the symptoms early because her dad has dyslexia. I would have her come home from school and after homework, play school by teaching her siblings what she learned in class. I tried to make school sound exciting and fun. Teach your children what do to if someone bullies them and then take action. The difference between then and now is the internet. Teach your children to report, report, report until they have told everyone. Take their reports seriously and go to the teacher, administrators, superintendents and police if it is that serious. If none of that works, send a certified letter copying a news organization detailing your concerns and give them five business days to respond. Do not hesitate to get a restraining order. That never fails! Schools hate that! If they do not act to protect your child, you have to. Get to know all of your children’s teachers. Introduce yourself and make yourself available. They should have your phone number by the first day of school. Your children should be trained to respect their elders and if their elders are wrong or make mistakes, how to handle it. You must teach them how to report an incident. When they prepare to tell you, they must report who, what, when, where, and what role they played and how? -Discipline in L O V E not anger- Never discipline your child in anger. Think it through and calm yourself down. Count to ten. I loved my dad, but he was scary at times. When we got a spanking, it was like he was whipping a runaway slave. He would grab our legs and hoist us up in the air until we were not touching the ground and beat us with a leather belt. I got beat with a switch from a tree when I was four. I left the porch and went over my friend’s house a few houses down the street. No, I never did it again. That only served to reinforce that God is scary and looking to discipline you at every turn. It took a long time for me to trust that God always had my best interest at heart. Fear is not respect. My parents told me of God’s love and that He was my Father. See the correlation? - Pay A T T E N T I O N to your children- It only takes a second for something to happen. Too many times I have witnessed parents walking in front of or behind their children and they are on the phone. Pay attention to your children and give them attention. My three-year-old granddaughter told her mother to put down her phone and pay her some attention. Now while you may think that is a fresh thing to say, what could she say? I agreed with her. I think I may have said amen. Well, that’s it for now. Love you. -Shelley Thomas Next Article - Preparing Your Children for Adulthood – Part 2 |
Y O U A R E N O T A L O N E
Life can interfere with preparing your children for adulthood. It certainly interfered in mine. Domestic abuse, caring for a very sick child, working a full-time job with the added baggage of constant trauma and depression interfered with preparing our children. Yes, they grew up with both parents. Just when our oldest daughter turned 19 and our oldest son turned 17 things began unraveling in our home. My son was supposed to be enjoying his senior year. Instead of being free to enjoy his senior year, prom, graduation and his parents preparing him for college, our lives were imploding. Their dad was exhibiting symptoms of psychosis. He was vacillating between uncontrolled anger, mania and audible hallucinations. He drank heavily, which didn’t make things better. Either, I was the involuntary depository for his rage or I purposely diverted his rage towards myself to keep the kids safe. I later found out that did not always work, that is why if you are being abused, create a plan to leave safely with your children and don’t talk about it, just do it! Well in the midst of this mess, my son was scheduled to go to a Summer program to prepare him for his freshman year of college. He was scheduled to leave days after I had to leave home because my ex-husband became very dangerous, threatening either homicidal or suicidal intention. Every mention of getting help seemed to antagonize him even more. I had to meet my son away from our home to give him money to get the things he needed for school. I looked forward to shopping with him, helping him pick color schemes and linen for his extra-long twin bed because he was so tall. I never felt so helpless, but I talked to him, checked in and instructed him the best I could and sent him off with a long hug and kiss on the cheek. What a hell of a message! You know what he took from that? I have to do this on my own. My parents and siblings are going through it. The best way to help all of them is to do this on my own. He wasn’t ready. Suffice it to say, he struggled that first year. He never called me and told me he needed anything and I didn’t stay on top of him. I couldn’t stay on top of him. That is my greatest regret. I let life get in the way of supporting my son in his first year of school. Well he did get to school. I found out his dad took him to college in Delaware, but he was so sick he dropped him in the middle of the campus with all of his stuff and left him there. I was busy staying at a shelter trying to figure out what I was going to do with the kids, let alone where I was going to stay. Within days we would discover their father was bipolar, psychotic, schizophrenic, and suffering from an illness that was six months away from killing him. He was hospitalized within a few days of that meeting with my son. Not A Temporary Interruption I knew this was going to be a drastic change, but no one prepared any of us for the extremity of it all! Our lives would never be the same. When my ex-husband was discharged from being involuntarily committed, he had the cognitive ability of a 5-year-old. He would try to grill in the house or put a lit kerosene heater on a pile of clothes. He was cold all of the time, no matter how many layers of clothes he wore. I was no longer sleeping with him. I slept in the boys’ room. I couldn’t sleep with him in the house. I didn’t trust him and had to stay alert in case he did something to harm me or the kids. That did not last long. I needed someone to care for him while I worked. I sent him to his sister’s house. That was the beginning of the end. I didn’t mention the two other children who were going through this process. I went back home when their dad was admitted to the hospital. Our youngest daughter was in tenth grade and youngest son was in eighth grade. School was out for the summer and I had close friends that enabled me to get the kids temporarily out of the house. | I had to trust God. Trust God to the extent that I needed direction down to almost every breath. I prayed and asked God to be a Spiritual Surgeon. He told me that if I made the wrong decision, someone could die. I even wondered if my own sanity was at risk? I could not believe that we were all going through so much! It seemed as if it was a movie. Yet, we were still so blessed! God positioned angels to care for each and every one of us. My mom, neighbors, friends, and boss were such blessings. My son even had angels in the form of his future wife and her family. They both attended the same school. I could not tell my family until things settled a bit. I had to figure things out because I wasn’t sure what the future held for us. I had to have answers before I shared the news with my parents. The most important thing was to get the kids out of the house. Then I called my sister asking her to care for the kids if something happened to the both of us. I needed a plan if anything happened. She agreed, and I had some peace of mind. Fortunately, as my ex-husband was sinking into his illness, he found a new church, Victory Christian Center and it was just what we needed for the time. Bishop Jimmie Ellis was an amazing preacher and teacher of the Word. I felt like I had a fifteen-course meal after every sermon. The crazy thing was my ex and I had a violent argument about leaving my home church and going to a new church. I was a member of my home church for 22 years and wasn’t quite ready for a new one. But God! He knew what we would need. They were perfect for the time. A Deacon provided marriage counseling. I learned that I was not crazy! I also learned I was not alone. I felt so isolated. Like everything we were going through was written on my skin, forehead and in the depth of my eyes. I knew the realities of reaching out to the domestic violence programs, had parents, friends, not one but two churches but still felt extremely lonely. That did not change until we sat in front of the Deacon and he told my ex that according to the bible, he was not in his rightful place in our home and that I had to do what I needed to do to care for us all. He turned to me and told me to stay in prayer,get individualized counseling and keep doing what I needed to do to care for the family. You see my ex was discharged from the hospital barely a week and non-compliant in taking his medications. He also refused to go to the day program for counseling. I gave my ex a choice, either be compliant in taking his medications and go to counseling to save our marriage or our marriage was over. He said he would not comply and just like that, our marriage was over. What Did I Learn? I Was Never Alone. God is Master of all! God intervened in my oldest son’s life. He returned to school, got his first degree and while an officer in the military. We are so blessed! Our children survived. I survived. My ex survived, and the majority of his cognitive ability returned. So many stories do not have happy endings. My youngest daughter is finishing med school, my son is a teacher and my children have children of their own. I should have left sooner. My children did not get proper modeling for healthy relationships or communication. My kids tell me to stop taking responsibility for everything that happens in their lives. I should have left after I had them. I could have prevented some of their suffering. Maybe my ex would have gotten help sooner. Doesn’t mean the outcome for our marriage would be different. | God protected me and the children and their father in spite of not leaving soon enough. I had my mom and friends to support, love and encourage me during those difficult times. I did teach them to go to therapy. I took them to therapy after all of the crisis. In spite of all of the trauma, God has blessed them to survive and strive to have healthy households. I should have gotten help sooner. I was always so busy either working, addressing crises, taking care of my sick daughter, or running to schools for positive events or concerns. I spent so much time redirecting my ex or trying to prevent a negative interaction with the kids. I was also exhausted emotionally, mentally and physically. The emotional and physical violence would occur every three months. I could set my watch by it, and the damage would be so devastating. It would take me three months to rebuild my emotional and mental states to become a somewhat functional human being. During that time, I was made to feel like the worst thing walking the planet. Every three months I wasn’t a good mother, woman, wife, lover and couldn’t even keep my gender. In between those times, he was loving, kind, and always apologetic. He was even better when I was pregnant except for the second pregnancy. I lost that baby. I should have gotten financial training and taught my children. Fortunately, my children learned from our mistakes. They are way better than we were financially. Decision Making Training. My children learned from conversations, observation, trial and error. Mental Health Resources. If you are in need of mental health resources, there are crisis programs in almost every community. Suicide Prevention Hotlines, 1-800-273-8255 or texting programs where if you really can’t talk, you can text, https://www.crisistextline.org/. Tell your primary physician. Enon Tabernacle Baptist Church has hotlines and a domestic violence ministry for men and women. Welfare benefit applications in Pennsylvania ask every applicant about their safety and provides numbers. Some nail salons provide numbers. I thank God for my beloved mother, my dad, who eventually supported me, beautiful friends, neighbors and colleagues who loved on me when I could no longer keep it to myself. What Now? Do Not Self-Isolate. Tell someone trustworthy. If you don’t know anyone, call a hotline. The hotlines are anonymous. Keep repeating to yourself, I am not alone until you believe it. Tell someone at your doctor’s office, church, somewhere until someone listens. Get out of the house. Get a healthy hobby. Mental Health. If you don’t take care of your brain it cannot take care of you. Get help. Start with your doctor if you don’t know where to go. Don’t stress about medications. Go talk to someone ASAP! Therapy is amazing when you have a good therapist. I always felt like a building was lifted off of my shoulders after the first session. Seek and Use Resources. If you are at college, reach out to your advisors. That is their job to help you. Tell your parents. You never have to suffer in silence. If it is something sensitive and you think your family and friends will not react well, there are resources out there for that too. For example, if it is an LGTBQ question or need for support contact https://www.glbthotline.org/. Apply for Resources. There are supplemental resources available to help with food, utilities, tutoring, mental health, loneliness, confusion, sadness, and trauma. Go to your local government or State’s website to find out how to apply. Don’t suffer in silence and don’t take your life. Please don’t let pride cost you your life. -Shelley Thomas |
What if I told you there was a theory behind neglecting conflict? Well, there is. And it is called the runaway cycle. This runaway cycle is the avoidance of major conflicts that life throws in your direction. Most people fall into this theory because they never seem to tap into their full potential. The runaway cycle breaks down into four stages: Picking the desire, recognizing the conflict, returning to comfort, and repeats with new desire.
Picking The Desire
Some may find their passion early on, like a little league football player who plays the sport all the way through college and eventually ends up in the National Football League. While others may not find their desires until their later years of college. Whatever category you fit into, you are capable of exploring the very thing that makes you connect with the world.
Recognizing The Conflict
The sad reality about chasing any goal or objective is that one will naturally experience mishaps. The college football star may tear a few ligaments in his knee, which may affect his recruiting options. The introverted college student may not have financial support to finish their college courses, so graduation may get pushed back a few semesters. Unfortunate circumstances will happen, but your response can positively or negatively affect the outcome.
Returning To Comfort
During testing moments, most individuals refuse to face the demon that hinders their growth. People tend to flee at the sound of a bark before they get a chance to pet the dog. The skills that one has mastered without much conflict can become a source to rely on instead of progressing. Suddenly, the dream we once knew no longer holds its importance, and the current status quo is just enough to please their inner desires.
Repeat The New Desire
Eventually one will bore with the skills they have already mastered due to the need of mental fertilization. The body may not act on certain thoughts, but the mind will never forget the possibilities that were once presented. Then one will probably venture out and find another desire which now seems to be their new horizon. This newer horizon shows problems of magnitude just as any other desire, and then one tends to repeats the cycle again.
Now that you are familiar with this cycle, I challenge you to take a different approach. Don’t let your dreams and desires kill the very potential that lives inside of you. Reawaken those dreams and moments that you’ve been exposed to. This cycle can be natural and comfortable, but if your dreams don’t scare your or invoke uncomfortableness, then you will not grow.
If you are ready to grow, the only option is to start. Learn about resources online, network, listen to podcasts. There are unending resources that are designed to help you succeed in life, businesses, finances, dreams and relationships. Think about it this way: What are you robbing someone of if they never get to experience your full potential? Break the cycle. Challenge yourself to grow. Go out and be great!
-Curtis Davis
Picking The Desire
Some may find their passion early on, like a little league football player who plays the sport all the way through college and eventually ends up in the National Football League. While others may not find their desires until their later years of college. Whatever category you fit into, you are capable of exploring the very thing that makes you connect with the world.
Recognizing The Conflict
The sad reality about chasing any goal or objective is that one will naturally experience mishaps. The college football star may tear a few ligaments in his knee, which may affect his recruiting options. The introverted college student may not have financial support to finish their college courses, so graduation may get pushed back a few semesters. Unfortunate circumstances will happen, but your response can positively or negatively affect the outcome.
Returning To Comfort
During testing moments, most individuals refuse to face the demon that hinders their growth. People tend to flee at the sound of a bark before they get a chance to pet the dog. The skills that one has mastered without much conflict can become a source to rely on instead of progressing. Suddenly, the dream we once knew no longer holds its importance, and the current status quo is just enough to please their inner desires.
Repeat The New Desire
Eventually one will bore with the skills they have already mastered due to the need of mental fertilization. The body may not act on certain thoughts, but the mind will never forget the possibilities that were once presented. Then one will probably venture out and find another desire which now seems to be their new horizon. This newer horizon shows problems of magnitude just as any other desire, and then one tends to repeats the cycle again.
Now that you are familiar with this cycle, I challenge you to take a different approach. Don’t let your dreams and desires kill the very potential that lives inside of you. Reawaken those dreams and moments that you’ve been exposed to. This cycle can be natural and comfortable, but if your dreams don’t scare your or invoke uncomfortableness, then you will not grow.
If you are ready to grow, the only option is to start. Learn about resources online, network, listen to podcasts. There are unending resources that are designed to help you succeed in life, businesses, finances, dreams and relationships. Think about it this way: What are you robbing someone of if they never get to experience your full potential? Break the cycle. Challenge yourself to grow. Go out and be great!
-Curtis Davis
How To Turn Your Passions Into Dollars
Unfortunately, contemporary society is plagued by mediocrity due to our inability to take a step forward into a financially higher social class. The middle and lower classes tend to be more financially illiterate and rarely seek out help due to their ignorance or pride. An individual must first educate themselves on their passion, devise a methodical procedure, and eventually view their desired passion from a variety of angles. What comparison am I making here? The scientific method! The key is to correlate your passion and finances thus riding the economic wave of peaks and pits while pursuing financial freedom. Wait a sec! A person has daily life problems such as bills, children to take care of, and some people even deal with outlandish spending habits. The question then becomes, what are willing to sacrifice to take that next step forward? Most upper middle class to high class occasionally have time for their family because maintaining that lifestyle comes with great responsibility. On the other hand, once you identify what you’re willing to sacrifice you can create a testable plan. The fruit of your labor is going to rely solely on the depth and nourishments of the roots. An individual cannot let the duration of a rainy season be the deciding factor as how they conduct their testable plan. | How this should encourage you... You need financial counseling. The answer lies within yourself due to fact finances are never exact causing mishaps if you rely exclusively on production of income. A passion initially should be endeavor that you enjoy without immediate cash being provided which will get you through failed plans. “From the root to the fruit, from the gums to the tooth, if the soil is true, the tree of life of life is within you.” -Curtis Davis |
When I was a little girl, my dream of becoming someone famous seemed unlikely. I didn’t admire too many people, but I wanted to be like my oldest sister. She was a teen model and she traveled the world. The role models in my life were very limited, but my Mom was also one of them. She made sure that our needs were met and never complained about the unfortunate events that transpired in her life. My father was a distanced father. He was there physically, but never made himself emotionally available.
After graduating from high school, I planned to attend college, but had no idea of the major I wanted to pursue. Instead, I got married at the early age of 20, became an instant Mom and housewife, and that gave me a little sense of pride. Once my baby girl was old enough to attend school, I planned to take up a trade and found out the program had no longer existed. So, I embraced the role of a domestic engineer for thirty years.
I love a lot of things but I’m not too sure where my passion lies. I once heard someone say that your passion should be the very thing that makes the heart skip a beat. If you can find something that you thoroughly enjoy, even if you never got paid to do it, then you my friend have found your purpose. I know that I love to serve others and the thought comes to me often. I think to myself, if that’s your passion, why aren't you serving others? What is holding you back?
A lot of it has to do with finding myself. After being in a relationship for over 30 years, I lost myself. Now I’m on that road to getting back to me. I truly believe one needs to embark on their own journey to wholeness before they can benefit someone else, and maybe that’s the fuel that I need to help me find my passion.
I also believe the One who created me wants the very best for me. Just like parents want the best for their Children, God wants to give us a life of abundance. I know He can help me as long as I put my faith to work.
So, this is my first step. I love writing and encouraging others. I hope that you follow me through this wonderful journey to finding my passion.
-Aprel Alston
After graduating from high school, I planned to attend college, but had no idea of the major I wanted to pursue. Instead, I got married at the early age of 20, became an instant Mom and housewife, and that gave me a little sense of pride. Once my baby girl was old enough to attend school, I planned to take up a trade and found out the program had no longer existed. So, I embraced the role of a domestic engineer for thirty years.
I love a lot of things but I’m not too sure where my passion lies. I once heard someone say that your passion should be the very thing that makes the heart skip a beat. If you can find something that you thoroughly enjoy, even if you never got paid to do it, then you my friend have found your purpose. I know that I love to serve others and the thought comes to me often. I think to myself, if that’s your passion, why aren't you serving others? What is holding you back?
A lot of it has to do with finding myself. After being in a relationship for over 30 years, I lost myself. Now I’m on that road to getting back to me. I truly believe one needs to embark on their own journey to wholeness before they can benefit someone else, and maybe that’s the fuel that I need to help me find my passion.
I also believe the One who created me wants the very best for me. Just like parents want the best for their Children, God wants to give us a life of abundance. I know He can help me as long as I put my faith to work.
So, this is my first step. I love writing and encouraging others. I hope that you follow me through this wonderful journey to finding my passion.
-Aprel Alston
I began the search within myself after I my old church left me hurt. With two kids and a marriage before the age twenty wasn’t an example they wanted the youth to follow. Like every other child in the South, the church was the core of everything we did. After years of pouring my heart and soul into the church, I lost myself. The church was all I knew besides my family, but leaving the church was the best decision I have made.
When I tell people I don’t believe in organized religion, they gawk because I was the epitome of the “perfect”, church girl. But as of late, I find myself enjoying new experiences such as yoga and crystals and chakra balancing, which according to my grandma, is a sin because it falls under self-indulgence. That “sin” has given me a clearer vision, and it’s helped me become more in tune with myself. I’ve become more spiritual, and I’m not saying I don’t believe in Jesus, it’s just that I’ve found a “better me”, outside of the church.
I thought I was doing the right thing. I poured my heart into something that rejected me. Now I’m grateful for that because that experience molded me into the woman I am today.
-Jakayla Carrigan
When I tell people I don’t believe in organized religion, they gawk because I was the epitome of the “perfect”, church girl. But as of late, I find myself enjoying new experiences such as yoga and crystals and chakra balancing, which according to my grandma, is a sin because it falls under self-indulgence. That “sin” has given me a clearer vision, and it’s helped me become more in tune with myself. I’ve become more spiritual, and I’m not saying I don’t believe in Jesus, it’s just that I’ve found a “better me”, outside of the church.
I thought I was doing the right thing. I poured my heart into something that rejected me. Now I’m grateful for that because that experience molded me into the woman I am today.
-Jakayla Carrigan
My Childhood: Where it all began
H ave you ever had someone yell at you as a child and you swore when you grew up you would never yell at your child? You became a parent and as your child grew, you found yourself yelling or sounding just like your parents? Caught you off guard didn’t it? Let me share how I overcame yelling at my children. Hi, my name is Shelley and I am a recovered yeller. Hi Shelley!
We grew up in Philadelphia in a 3-bedroom row home in a neighborhood called Mount Airy. My two younger sisters, our friends and I would play in the rear of the house about five houses down near the corner of the block. It was our favorite spot to play rope. I fondly remember the warm breezes and delicious smells wafting from the houses as our neighbors prepared dinner for their families. We were playing rope and it was my turn to get the ends. In the quiet of the early evening, as I started turning the rope, this loud, deep voice called my name from my house. It startled all of us and we giggled. I yelled back, “I am coming daddy!”, as I hurried down the driveway to my house.
My father was a large man. His imposing figure was 6 feet and 3 inches tall and 300 pounds, mostly muscle. He was a construction worker and a boxing trainer. His voice was deep, he could yell very loudly, and he could also sing. I loved to hear daddy sing. Well he wasn’t singing now. I was embarrassed! No one else’s parents called them as loudly as my dad! He was only calling us to come in for dinner. It always sounded like I was in trouble every time he called me. How I miss that voice today. Dad has been gone now for over a year.
We grew up in Philadelphia in a 3-bedroom row home in a neighborhood called Mount Airy. My two younger sisters, our friends and I would play in the rear of the house about five houses down near the corner of the block. It was our favorite spot to play rope. I fondly remember the warm breezes and delicious smells wafting from the houses as our neighbors prepared dinner for their families. We were playing rope and it was my turn to get the ends. In the quiet of the early evening, as I started turning the rope, this loud, deep voice called my name from my house. It startled all of us and we giggled. I yelled back, “I am coming daddy!”, as I hurried down the driveway to my house.
My father was a large man. His imposing figure was 6 feet and 3 inches tall and 300 pounds, mostly muscle. He was a construction worker and a boxing trainer. His voice was deep, he could yell very loudly, and he could also sing. I loved to hear daddy sing. Well he wasn’t singing now. I was embarrassed! No one else’s parents called them as loudly as my dad! He was only calling us to come in for dinner. It always sounded like I was in trouble every time he called me. How I miss that voice today. Dad has been gone now for over a year.
Workshop Training: Admitting I have a problem
Thirty years later, I found myself sitting in a crisis intervention train-the-trainer workshop. We were on the topic of communication. The trainer started the section by asking questions. She asked, “Are there any parents in the room?” Over half of us proudly raised our hands. Then she asked, “Do you find that you repeat yourself over and over again?” I thought to myself, “Sheesh, always!” Her next question was, “Do you find yourself exhausted at the end of the day?” All I had to do was think about the night before and how I fell asleep on the couch. I heard myself say, “Hmmm hmmm, almost as if I was in church listening to a sermon. The only words missing were, “Well and Amen!” Then she asked, “Could the reason be that your children are not listening to you?” “Tuning you out?” “Ignoring you?”
That is when the realization and conviction hit, all at one time! I had become my father and my mother! I was a yeller. I think I got lost in thought for what seemed like an eternity, but it was only for a moment. I had to get my head back into the session to figure out how to undo the damage if that was even possible.
The workshop trainer continued to teach the content and as she spoke, I brainstormed my next steps. There was a tremendous sense of urgency since I just separated from my (ex)husband, the father of my children. I swore a lot of things. If I married, it would be forever. I would never divorce and hurt my kids like my parents’ divorce hurt me and my sisters. Now I’m worried. In that short amount of time, I am remembering how hurt and angry I was. I felt like I was alone and had no one to talk to or who could understand that I felt like my soul was ripped in half and I was bleeding profusely. My kids were young adults and teenagers now. So much time had passed and so much damage done. The guilt started flooding in. What if it is too late? Well, I have to start somewhere, and God will help me with the rest.
Ok Shelley, start with why they are tuning you out? Why did I tune my parents out? Because that was a defense mechanism. Either they were correcting, criticizing and in some cases dumping on me because they were hurting and needed to release. I learned how to fake listening to my mother so well that when she was fussing, I would say yes Mom, on cue. I never missed a cue and could repeat everything she asked me to repeat. I miss her too.
That is when the realization and conviction hit, all at one time! I had become my father and my mother! I was a yeller. I think I got lost in thought for what seemed like an eternity, but it was only for a moment. I had to get my head back into the session to figure out how to undo the damage if that was even possible.
The workshop trainer continued to teach the content and as she spoke, I brainstormed my next steps. There was a tremendous sense of urgency since I just separated from my (ex)husband, the father of my children. I swore a lot of things. If I married, it would be forever. I would never divorce and hurt my kids like my parents’ divorce hurt me and my sisters. Now I’m worried. In that short amount of time, I am remembering how hurt and angry I was. I felt like I was alone and had no one to talk to or who could understand that I felt like my soul was ripped in half and I was bleeding profusely. My kids were young adults and teenagers now. So much time had passed and so much damage done. The guilt started flooding in. What if it is too late? Well, I have to start somewhere, and God will help me with the rest.
Ok Shelley, start with why they are tuning you out? Why did I tune my parents out? Because that was a defense mechanism. Either they were correcting, criticizing and in some cases dumping on me because they were hurting and needed to release. I learned how to fake listening to my mother so well that when she was fussing, I would say yes Mom, on cue. I never missed a cue and could repeat everything she asked me to repeat. I miss her too.
Taking Action: I am my Children's Safe Haven
When I started having children I wanted them to feel safe and be able to tell me anything. I always told them since the age of two, “You can tell mommy anything.” I had a pretty good relationship with my kids. I thought they told me everything. Are you satisfied with your relationship with your children at this critical point in your lives? No! I need them to feel safe and free to communicate and vent, especially now! I can’t have them walking around angry, and pent up, full of negative feelings because the enemy just can’t wait to help them turn that anger inward and make poor decisions and critical mistakes.
I had a plan that started with an apology. I could not wait to get home. I got to the house, unlocked the door, greeted the dog quietly and entered my living room. I could hear that someone was home, I just couldn’t tell who was upstairs. Normally by now I would yell “Hello!” I stopped myself and decided to not say anything as I continued to plan the next steps. My thoughts drifted again as I recalled the trainer asking, “How can someone feel safe if you are yelling?” Wow! That is true! Why should they want to talk to me at length? I had different relationships with all four of my children. For the most part, all of them talked to me when they needed to, except for my oldest son. He kept a lot to himself, even to his detriment, I would learn later. He was away at college. I would have to call him later. Shouldn’t that be enough? No, not now! I need them to be able to tell me how they feel right now, and we have not had check ins lately.
I walked into the kitchen and the first thing I saw were dirty dishes. How am I supposed to start dinner if my kitchen isn’t clean? Who was supposed to wash the dishes? Everyone has a day. Not Jacob according to my kids. They say the youngest never had chores or he had the easiest chores. Whatever! By now, I would be yelling about why my dishes are still dirty, but this is the new Shelley and I have to make this work. No yelling! I walked over to the sink and started washing the dishes. Three minutes into washing the dishes, I hear footsteps coming downstairs and into the kitchen. It was my oldest daughter, Tasha. She was a little startled to see me and more surprised to see me washing the dishes without fussing. “Hey mom! We didn’t hear you come in. How was your day?” I replied, “Hey Tasha, it was okay.” Before I could tell her about my day, she said, “Sorry I didn’t get to the dishes mom, I forgot. I can do them now if you want me to?” I said, “That’s okay, I got it.” She left the room with a curious look on her face. I heard her footsteps go up the stairs and into a room and could hear Tasha talking to my other two kids, Shelley and Jacob. “One of you need to go downstairs and check on mom. Something is wrong with her. She didn’t say anything when she came in, she didn’t yell about the dishes and she is downstairs washing them herself. She didn’t even look mad or upset!” Tasha continued, “Shelley you go and check on her!” I heard Shelley say, “Okay.” Two seconds later, I heard footsteps once again and then I saw Shelley’s face slowly but cheerfully appear around the corner.
In her most bubbly tone she said, “Hi Mom! How are you today? How was work?” I said, “Work was fine. How was your day?” She replied, “It was great. Is there anything I can help you with?” I said, “No, I’m about to start dinner.” She said, “Okay, I’m going to finish my homework, call me if you need me.” I said, “Okay.” I heard Shelley’s footsteps as she went back upstairs and then I heard her report to her siblings, “There is definitely something wrong with mom!” “We need to get to the bottom of whatever it is.” I giggled to myself, “My kids were actually having a conference about me, isn’t that something!” It’s time to talk to them.
I called upstairs, “Tasha, Shelley, Jacob can you come downstairs please?” “I need to talk to you.” One by one they came downstairs. I asked them to take a seat in the living room. I started out talking to them about communication and how important that is in our relationship; I wanted a real and close relationship with my children and is it critical to fix it now. They looked puzzled. Jacob said, “Mom, I think our communication is fine.” I replied, “I’m glad you feel that way, but it could be much better.” “I deeply apologize for how I have yelled at you all of your life. I never intended for that to happen. I told you all as soon as you could understand the English language that you could tell me anything but how could possibly feel safe to do so if I yelled all of the time? I promise from this day forward that I will never yell at you. I want to you to be able to come to me about anything especially at this time.” I know you may not understand why your dad and I have separated. We can even talk about the fact that you may be angry with me as long as it is shared in a respectful manner. I would rather you share your feelings, get help or answers for what you don’t understand than to have you get sick because you are holding your feelings in.”
I had a plan that started with an apology. I could not wait to get home. I got to the house, unlocked the door, greeted the dog quietly and entered my living room. I could hear that someone was home, I just couldn’t tell who was upstairs. Normally by now I would yell “Hello!” I stopped myself and decided to not say anything as I continued to plan the next steps. My thoughts drifted again as I recalled the trainer asking, “How can someone feel safe if you are yelling?” Wow! That is true! Why should they want to talk to me at length? I had different relationships with all four of my children. For the most part, all of them talked to me when they needed to, except for my oldest son. He kept a lot to himself, even to his detriment, I would learn later. He was away at college. I would have to call him later. Shouldn’t that be enough? No, not now! I need them to be able to tell me how they feel right now, and we have not had check ins lately.
I walked into the kitchen and the first thing I saw were dirty dishes. How am I supposed to start dinner if my kitchen isn’t clean? Who was supposed to wash the dishes? Everyone has a day. Not Jacob according to my kids. They say the youngest never had chores or he had the easiest chores. Whatever! By now, I would be yelling about why my dishes are still dirty, but this is the new Shelley and I have to make this work. No yelling! I walked over to the sink and started washing the dishes. Three minutes into washing the dishes, I hear footsteps coming downstairs and into the kitchen. It was my oldest daughter, Tasha. She was a little startled to see me and more surprised to see me washing the dishes without fussing. “Hey mom! We didn’t hear you come in. How was your day?” I replied, “Hey Tasha, it was okay.” Before I could tell her about my day, she said, “Sorry I didn’t get to the dishes mom, I forgot. I can do them now if you want me to?” I said, “That’s okay, I got it.” She left the room with a curious look on her face. I heard her footsteps go up the stairs and into a room and could hear Tasha talking to my other two kids, Shelley and Jacob. “One of you need to go downstairs and check on mom. Something is wrong with her. She didn’t say anything when she came in, she didn’t yell about the dishes and she is downstairs washing them herself. She didn’t even look mad or upset!” Tasha continued, “Shelley you go and check on her!” I heard Shelley say, “Okay.” Two seconds later, I heard footsteps once again and then I saw Shelley’s face slowly but cheerfully appear around the corner.
In her most bubbly tone she said, “Hi Mom! How are you today? How was work?” I said, “Work was fine. How was your day?” She replied, “It was great. Is there anything I can help you with?” I said, “No, I’m about to start dinner.” She said, “Okay, I’m going to finish my homework, call me if you need me.” I said, “Okay.” I heard Shelley’s footsteps as she went back upstairs and then I heard her report to her siblings, “There is definitely something wrong with mom!” “We need to get to the bottom of whatever it is.” I giggled to myself, “My kids were actually having a conference about me, isn’t that something!” It’s time to talk to them.
I called upstairs, “Tasha, Shelley, Jacob can you come downstairs please?” “I need to talk to you.” One by one they came downstairs. I asked them to take a seat in the living room. I started out talking to them about communication and how important that is in our relationship; I wanted a real and close relationship with my children and is it critical to fix it now. They looked puzzled. Jacob said, “Mom, I think our communication is fine.” I replied, “I’m glad you feel that way, but it could be much better.” “I deeply apologize for how I have yelled at you all of your life. I never intended for that to happen. I told you all as soon as you could understand the English language that you could tell me anything but how could possibly feel safe to do so if I yelled all of the time? I promise from this day forward that I will never yell at you. I want to you to be able to come to me about anything especially at this time.” I know you may not understand why your dad and I have separated. We can even talk about the fact that you may be angry with me as long as it is shared in a respectful manner. I would rather you share your feelings, get help or answers for what you don’t understand than to have you get sick because you are holding your feelings in.”
Road to Recovery
That was the beginning of an awesome relationship with my family. Now what was the recovery? I could be loud and cuss like a sailor, at times. When I used to argue with my ex-husband, you could probably hear me a couple of houses down the street. I am so glad God blessed us with the gift of communication. My relationships have never been the same. Yes, I have had slip ups, like when I was scared of losing my mother before she passed away, but for the most part I have kept that promise.
I prayed to be a safe place to share. Someone who will listen without criticizing or judging. Listening to see how I can support them. God brought us through those difficult times. Yes, my children challenged me in a respectful way. Yes, they asked difficult questions. I answered them without being defensive. I knew they were hurt and confused but they needed to vent and understand. I offered to get therapists for them if needed. I told their schools what they were going through because I needed their village to know they needed them. I needed eyes on them when my eyes were not available. We got a ton of amazing support from many friends, family, clergy and school staff, the village. I thank God for the village. Next column I’ll share how this communication style can enhance your relationship.
-Shelley Thomas
I prayed to be a safe place to share. Someone who will listen without criticizing or judging. Listening to see how I can support them. God brought us through those difficult times. Yes, my children challenged me in a respectful way. Yes, they asked difficult questions. I answered them without being defensive. I knew they were hurt and confused but they needed to vent and understand. I offered to get therapists for them if needed. I told their schools what they were going through because I needed their village to know they needed them. I needed eyes on them when my eyes were not available. We got a ton of amazing support from many friends, family, clergy and school staff, the village. I thank God for the village. Next column I’ll share how this communication style can enhance your relationship.
-Shelley Thomas
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